Why it’s harmful: If someone is verbally or nonverbally expressing discomfort with any action/speech/situation, it is a sign to stop and communicate with them to alleviate discomfort, not to continue to push until they are okay with whatever is making them uncomfortable. Sometimes, when we do something that makes someone else uncomfortable, we can feel emotions like shame or embarrassment and attempt to alleviate them by forcing the situation; this can be extremely harmful to someone physically and psychologically, and instead it is important to regulate through those feelings, accept that we did something wrong, apologize, and continue to understand why the behavior was harmful.

◊ Questions to consider:

• If someone expresses discomfort, why do I continue with the behavior or think it is okay to do so?
• Do I understand how this can hurt someone? How can I shift my thinking to better understand why this is harmful? Is there a different situation I have worked through before that I can connect to this?

Why it’s harmful: The clothes people wear have nothing to do with the harm others do, and comments like this place the blame on victims instead of finding ways to prevent harm from happening in the first place. Preventing harm begins with understanding why certain behaviors can hurt people, and making active efforts to change our beliefs and thought patterns. 

◊ Questions to consider:

• Why am I associating someone’s clothing choices to the actions of someone else?
• Where did I hear this? Do people around me believe this?
• Who can I talk to, or where can I read more about rape culture, power dynamics, and our societal beliefs surrounding comments like this?

 

Why it’s harmful: Anyone is susceptible to getting an STD, and it is likely not due to hygiene practices. In addition, comments like this cause feelings of shame to others and in general do not achieve anything constructive. 

◊ Questions to consider:

• Why do I think STDs are gross, and not just a medical condition anyone can be susceptible to?
• Has someone made comments to me like that before? Why do I think that way? Do I need to learn more about sexual wellness/STDs in order to understand them better?

Why it’s harmful: If someone trusted you enough to send you their nudes, wouldn’t you want to live up to that trust by keeping them private? More times than not, when people share the nudes that they receive with their friends, they don’t have that other person’s permission, which allows it to be a harmful form of betrayal and objectification. In doing this, we reduce someone’s value to the appearance of their body and allow others to form evaluations, praises, and criticisms for something they weren’t supposed to see in the first place. 

◊ Questions to consider: 

• Did the person trust me to keep those pictures to myself?
• How do my friends feel when I show them these photos?

Why it’s harmful: If someone isn’t intending on getting intimate with us, what makes us think that a few drinks will change their mind? Whether we realize it or not, using alcohol to get someone more relaxed and more likely to have sex with us is harmful because it ignores their boundaries and pushes them into something they don’t want or aren’t ready for. Being drunk decreases the likelihood of effective communication from both parties, which may translate to a non-consensual or forced sexual encounter. 

◊ Questions to consider: 

• Would this person have wanted to go as far with me if they were sober?
• Why do I think it’s okay to ignore the initial distance or boundary that someone set? 
• Do I want them to have regrets the next morning? 
• Do I want to be having sex that I have doubts the next day about? Sex that I feel more than just “fine” or “okay” about?

Why it’s harmful: Having open, honest conversations about sex can help us understand our own wants and needs, and lead to more positive sexual experiences. However, talking about the intimate details of a sexual experience with our friends ignores our partner(s) right to privacy and safety in the relationship. Furthermore, the way in which we talk about our sexual encounters may contribute to harmful culture that values the quantity of sex over how safe and healthy it is, and objectifies the people we are engaging in sex with. 

◊ Questions to consider:

• Do my partner(s) want my friends to know this information? Do my friends even want to hear it?
• Does my identity have anything to do with the way in which I talk about sex? (i.e., if I’m a straight, cis man, do I find it acceptable and rewarding to brag about how much sex I’m having?

Why it’s Harmful: This idea is harmful because it is a false stereotype about people with disabilities. It dehumanizes people with disabilities as people who have needs and desires sexually, romantically, and beyond. This thought process illustrates ableism at its core. 

◊ Questions to Consider: 

• What values do you hold that make you feel people with disabilities don’t have human desire?
• What socializations have I experienced that reflect the way I think about sex?

Learn more from Sins Invalid - "Sex & Disability with Chanelle Gallant and Cyrée Jarelle Johnson"

Why it’s Harmful: Women who identify as bisexual are at higher risk of experiencing harm than their heterosexual counterparts. Assuming that all women who identify as bisexual like to have sex with everyone and are hypersexual creates a false narrative that exacerbates the culture that puts these women at higher risk. Furthermore, thinking that anyone wants to have sex with anyone all of the time creates a culture that promotes harm. 

◊ Questions to Consider:

• Why do I view bisexual women as hypersexual? 
• How do my identities and the power I hold influence my perceptions of other people’s sexual orientations?

Why it’s harmful: If you need to convince someone to give consent, then they aren’t actually consenting. Instead, this is a form of coercion, which can involve manipulating, persuading, pressuring, or forcing someone to do any act they don’t actually want to do. Any consent that is not freely given, ongoing, and enthusiastically given is not actual consent, and shouldn’t be treated as such.

◊ Questions to consider:

• What do I feel about consent? Do I need to learn more about consent and coercion?
• Where have I observed this type of behavior before?
• Why did I talk someone into having sex with me? OR ALTERNATIVELY:  Why have I engaged in this behavior?
• Is there something better I could have done with consent?

Why it’s harmful: Even if you don’t consciously associate something negative or disappointing with queerness, your language matters. When it comes to marginalized and oppressed groups of people, coding language associated with those groups in pejorative ways is another way of perpetuating harm and othering those who don’t hold dominant identities. Calling an undesirable thing or phenomenon “gay” attaches the attribute of undesirability to the word “gay,” thereby reinforcing dominant stigmas of gayness as undesirable, whether you intend to or not.

◊ Questions to consider:

• Are there other terms I use to connote negativity that might be historically associated with marginalized identities? Do I cause harm when I call something or someone, for example, “crazy,” “insane,” or “savage,” or say I was “gypped”?
• Where do my negative perceptions of queerness come from? Am I gay?
• What are some words I can use to express disappointment that don’t rely on using identity-coded terms pejoratively?

Why It’s Harmful: While jokes about virginity may seem harmless, in reality, they can cause harm. These jokes can cause undue pressure to have sex, which may push people to be in situations where they either cause or experience harm. They can also push a narrative of shame over virginity status, which can be emotionally damaging. 

◊ Questions to Consider

• What is it about virginity that makes these jokes seem funny? Who have I heard telling
• these jokes?
• What might be the root of these jokes?
• What changes after the loss of virginity?
• Do I really think that whether or not someone has had sex should be a joke?

Why It’s Harmful: When we try to write off hookups where someone expresses regret or seems upset as just bad hookups, we can miss instances where harm is caused. While it can be painful and uncomfortable to be presented with the reality that someone you hooked up with may have been hurt, it’s not okay to minimize their experiences. In the case of someone you’ve hooked up with expressing discomfort, listen and reflect. 

◊ Questions to Consider:

• Did your partner ever hesitate or look withdrawn while hooking up? 
• Did you stop and ask your partner if they’re enjoying themselves? 
• Why do I think it is okay to shame or invalidate someone for expressing their negative harmful experiences?