When You Hold Power

I barely dated in college. Instead, I went everywhere with my roommates and we did so many fun things! I did go on a couple dates, but even after I graduated, I still didn't really date. I was on the apps for years and I went on a lot of first dates but I just didn't find anyone that I was interested in who was also interested in me. Either I felt they were boring and didn't ask me any questions about myself or I was interested in them but they weren't interested back. So when I did find myself in a relationship, I really didn’t expect to be the one to hold power in our relationship. If anything, I was expecting the opposite. 

But one cold winter night he said “I love you.” In that moment, I realized that I held power in our relationship. 

Let's talk about power. Sometimes it's really clear that you have power. Perhaps you were the one in the situationship who doesn't want things to be serious and you know the other person does. Or maybe you are much more financially stable than the other person. Or you're way more extroverted than your partner and you plan all of the activities. But in my relationship, we were pretty evenly matched in many of those obvious ways. What felt different in that moment when he said “I love you”? He was taking a risk in sharing his feelings, being vulnerable. I wasn’t. 

I was honestly surprised! Given my overthinking tendencies and that I have worked in harm prevention for many years, I've thought a lot about not causing harm in relationships so thinking of my response didn’t take that much time. But responding in the moment can take intention and practice, so let's think through some of the options that might come to mind first.

In this situation I could have replied by saying “I love you too”. That might have felt like a way to ease tension or conflict. But it wouldn't have been honest, my feelings were not that clear. What could be a possible impact or the harm of saying “I love you” when I don't feel love for another person? Leading them on, telling them what they want to hear, or even manipulating someone to keep them in a relationship with you.

The next option was to say “I love the car.,” like what Rory says to Dean in Gilmore Girls. But that ended up being really awkward. What could be the harm of saying something random without any additional context? The other person doesn't know what you're thinking, this might feel dismissive, and it certainly does not acknowledge the power that you have in the situation.

Another option is to brush off the person’s feelings. This could sound like: 
“You can’t love me, we’ve only been dating for 4 months.”
“Yeah right, you don’t know the real me.” 
“You are just liking the attention, that isn’t love.”
What could be the harm in this situation? Hopefully you can think of several things - this could be emotionally damaging to the other person, it can hide your own emotional discomfort, and it also can be a way to try to avoid being honest with someone by using humor instead of maturity. Additionally, openly communicating about feelings can be scary and vulnerable, dismissing someone’s feelings can block communication and vulnerability. This can be harmful in present and future interactions.  

Now that we’ve explored a few ways that might be harmful, let’s talk about how not to cause harm. There isn’t one right way to respond, but my brain was looking for a way to communicate with honesty, empathy, and care. I didn't want to hurt them, cause harm, or imply that I felt more than I did at that moment.

“I really appreciate you being honest with me! I think it's important to match your honesty with honesty. I don't feel that same level at this time. I don't not feel that way, if I did, I would let you know. But I don't feel that same confidence in my feelings. I like you so much and I can definitely see those feelings developing in the future so I'll let you know when I know more about what I am feeling. Right now, please know that I am really happy with how things are going between us!” 

We continued to talk about this for about five minutes. He appreciated my response and my honesty. He also shared that he had been nervous to tell me, he didn’t want it to be weird between us. Ultimately, he knew that he wanted to lean into communication even if it was weird. I told him that I would bring it back up as soon as I had clarity and that I would not string him along. And then we moved onto something else. 

Having power in a relationship can feel scary, but considering how to be honest and show care for the person allows you to show up well! 

Thinking ahead about power and how it shows up is extremely important, because you might be causing harm in your relationships if you use power to dismiss someone, make fun of their vulnerability, or keep someone in an unbalanced relationship. 

You can prevent harm by considering power and reflecting on how to show up with care. 

Questions to ask yourself: Where do you hold power? How do you acknowledge that power and show care?  

References 

Linder, C. (2025). Sexual violence on campus: Power-conscious approaches to awareness, prevention, and response. Emerald Publishing Limited.

SafeBAE. (2026). Reflection & Accountability. Vibe Check. https://checkyourvibe.org/

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