Virginity

Are you a virgin? 

The answer to this question shouldn’t really matter. It’s personal and private, and hopefully, whether or not someone has had sex is far from the most interesting thing about them. 

Yet, while all this is true, the ways that we think about and even experience virginity has an impact on the ways we engage with other people. Sometimes, our conceptualization of virginity can lead to causing harm. 

But first, let’s get a big virginity fact out on the table. 

• Virginity is a social construct! This means that there is no biological basis for virginity. There is no such thing as “popping the cherry,” or a universal truth that a hymen (the thin membrane near the opening of the vagina that SOME people have) is broken when a cisgender woman has penetrative sex for the first time. Biologically, the hymen (again, if that specific vagina has one) can change with age, or be stretched or torn from some other activity, like riding a bike (Smith Galer, 2022).
  • Notice here that there is no male equivalent for being a biological virgin, and that this implies that “real” sex is penetrative sex involving a penis and vagina.

This leads us to exploring the conflicting messages about virginity and the ways that the pressure to have sex can contribute to harm.

Conflicting Messaging About Virginity

Many of us have heard conflicting messages about virginity – often on heterosexual, binary gender lines. For women, there is a coexisting pressure to have sex, and thus avoid being a “prude,” and also pressure not to be known as a “slut.” As for men, men who haven’t had sex by the time they enter early adulthood may be categorized as “incels” (involuntarily celibate) or socially inept. In contrast, men who have had sex may be seen as accomplished and masculine, especially if they’re having sex with women who are conventionally attractive. 

While this messaging is heteronormative and centered on a binary understanding of gender, queer folks are also subject to virginity messaging and the pressure to have sex, especially when having sex is often viewed as a way to have your sexual orientation taken seriously. 

Pressure to have sex

Depending on the spaces that you are in, you may be more likely to receive the “you’re a lame ass nerd/a prude if you haven’t had sex,” messaging, or the “if you have sex before marriage/with too many people/too early, you are wrong and a slut/whore” messaging. Now, both of these are harmful. The “slut/whore,” messaging can contribute to victim-blaming and shame around sexuality. This can be devastating and hurt victims/survivors, the people who love them, and anyone who wants to alleviate the damage that comes from feeling broken for experiencing sexual desire. 

Today, though, I want to focus on what it means when people feel pressured to have sex to avoid negative labeling or self-perception. I.e., when people have sex because they don’t want to be seen as lame, to put it plainly.  

First and foremost, there is nothing wrong with remaining a “virgin.” There are a lot of reasons why someone would choose not to have sex, like: wanting to wait until they are in a committed relationship, choosing to follow religious guidance on waiting until marriage, focusing on school, work, or themselves, or simply not desiring a sexual relationship. 

These reasons are all normal. It is also normal to want to have sex, and still not have it.

Regardless of this normality, the fear of being behind or being known as a “virgin” can push us to act in ways that can hurt others. We may: 

• Cross boundaries.
• Ignore what the other person wants. 
• Ignore what we actually want when we take out the social pressure. 
• View our partners as trophies to be won and shown off. 
• Be tuned out of a partner’s body language. 
• Facilitate sex by using alcohol or other drugs. 

Having sex should always be a joint decision, and other people should not be viewed as a means to an end, even when it’s uncomfortable not to follow the societal prescription of when you should have sex for the first time.

Feeling pressured to have sex by social norms is never an excuse for causing harm. It is up to each of us to manage these feelings and still choose not to hurt other people.

The same goes for feeling disappointed, sad, or even angry about not having had sex before. It is normal and okay to wish that you’d experienced something that you really desire. And it’s never okay to coerce, force, or pressure someone else to go further than they are comfortable with to alleviate your own internal discomfort and external pressure. 

Even if virginity isn’t real in a biological sense, the choices we make and the ways we treat each other are. Let’s choose better. 

References

Smith Galer, S. (2022). The sex myth that’s centuries old. BBC Future. Retrieved from https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20220419-how-the-hymen-myth-destroys-lives

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