A Committed Relationship ≠ Consent

This is one of seven posts in the Center’s  ______ ≠ Consent Campaign.

Having sex with a partner can be a normal part of a committed romantic relationship. Because having sex can become normal, it may become an assumption, and when sex is an assumption, it creates space for harm to be caused. 

Consent is much more complicated than a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no,’ especially when we’re considering the dynamics of a committed relationship. Every relationship is different, because every single person is different. Yet, this depth is not acknowledged by a mere assumption of sex due to a relationship status.

The ways that couples communicate about sex may change over the course of a relationship. Maybe when you first started having sex, it was more normal to ask for verbal consent every step of the way, and as trust and understanding of the other person grew, it became the norm to rely more on context and body language alongside verbal affirmation. However, even as the ways that consent is asked for, given, and revoked may change, one thing stays constant – simply being in a relationship with someone doesn’t mean that sex is inevitable.

Being in a relationship with someone, even if you’ve had sex before and if you’re having sex regularly, does not mean you are entitled to sex in the future. Few of us desire to hurt our partners, but if sex is assumed, this is a potential consequence.

It is normal to not always want sex. A rejection from a partner doesn’t always mean that we’ve done something wrong or that we’re being punished. What should be abnormal is continuing to press and assume that sex is owed when in a relationship.

Remember the importance of recognizing a partner’s autonomy and continuing to tune in verbally and physically to ensure a partner is interested. Ask yourself: 

• What expectations do I have for sex? What does this mean for my relationship? 
• How can I practice continued consent with my partner? 
• What does “yes” look like? What does “no” look like? How can I know this? 

Taking the time to reflect can change our behavior. A committed relationship does not equal consent, and by knowing this, we can prevent harm.