Silence ≠ Consent

By Allie Moore

This is one of seven posts in the Center’s  ______ ≠ Consent Campaign.

Ideas, definitions, and practices of consent have grown to be widely understood. College students are often able to recite a definition of consent back when asked, “consent is a verbal and enthusiastic yes” (Linder, 2024). I have personally learned that it can be a lot harder to use these definitions in practice when in a sexual scenario. 

Asking for consent can feel awkward, uncomfortable, and a lot more confusing than receiving a verbal yes. In practice, we use a variety of different cues to show interest or dis-interest in a sexual or romantic situation including: body language (eye-contact, closeness, etc.); verbal cues (“I like that”; “that feels good”, etc.); and non-verbal cues like silence. 

Many times, when a sexual situation begins, we forget to check-in with the other person about what they want, like, and need. We are taught that sex follows specific steps and that we don’t need to check-in at each step (especially sex between a man and woman). Everyone has different boundaries when it comes to sex. Someone may be okay with oral sex but not want to engage in penetrative sex, or even vice versa! When we forget to check-in with the other person as we move through these “steps” we could actually be pushing boundaries and hurting the other person, even if they aren’t interrupting to tell you to stop. 

When someone is silent or does not respond to your advances verbally, this means they are not giving you consent to move forward and you should stop and check-in with them. It can be scary to say “no” during sex, so it is always important to ask before continuing. Just because someone didn’t say no, doesn’t mean that it is a yes. 

As individuals, we have the responsibility to make sure our actions align with our values and do not cause harm to other people.

• “Tuning-in” to cues that someone is disinterested in a sexual or romantic relationship by noticing if they seem avoidant, silent, or look uncomfortable.
• Have conversations outside of sexual or romantic situations by talking to the person you want to have sex with about their likes, wants, and needs before you start getting sexual. 
• Practicing asking for consent surrounding things that aren’t inherently sexual is a good way to gain confidence and exposure to experiencing a no. Asking consent to take photos, hug, or even just share a story with someone are all ways to practice asking for consent and reading cues that someone is disinterested, outside of the bedroom.