Flirting ≠ Consent

By Jilly McBane

This is one of seven posts in the Center’s  ______ ≠ Consent Campaign.

“They were so flirty with you at the bar! They definitely want to have sex!” 

Are you sure? If someone is flirting, that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re interested in or agreeing to have sex. Rather, flirting is something many of us do for many different reasons. For starters, what might seem flirtatious could actually be an expression of politeness or an effort to get to know someone. There is hardly any harm in offering a witty joke, smile, or compliment in social situations. It can help establish yourself in a room and gauge how others might feel towards you. Harmless flirting should stay harmless, and we can ensure it stays that way by having a direct consideration about what each person wants and doesn’t want. 

Many of us fear sexual shame, rejection, or simply being told “no”. Being passive about sex often comes more naturally. We get our hopes up about another person’s potential interest, and it can feel so impossible to directly handle the topic of consent. We have to recognize consent as an ongoing conversation, full of verbal and nonverbal cues that can occur outside and inside of the bedroom. Flirting might be one small part of this process, kind of like an invitation to a deeper level of connection. It can be fun and exciting, but if we equate this invitation to an automatic “yes,” we could very easily hurt someone. 

There are no exact “steps” in consent between you and the person you are with. What there should be, however, is empathy, or the ability to understand somebody else’s feelings. Flirting could be friendliness, politeness, interest in some kind of sexual or romantic relationship, maybe kissing, or cuddling, or maybe nothing at all. We might start by asking ourselves if we truly know the other person’s desires and intentions. When we come up with uncertainty (which is bound to happen), we ask them directly. Going straight from something like playful touching at a party to pushing someone to do something sexually is essentially always harmful. If our fun night out doesn’t go where we hoped it would’ve, we can’t force it. As noted earlier, flirting can be fun and exciting, but harming never will be.