Coercion ≠ Consent

By Deevya Baral

This is one of seven posts in the Center’s  ______ ≠ Consent Campaign.

When we talk about sex and consent, it is often thought that as long as you ask for and hear a “yes,” that’s all there is to it. “Yes” has been thought to be the be-all end-all word, and that having verbal affirmation is the only thing that matters for sex to be consensual.

Well… there is always more to the story. It’s not only the “yes” that matters, but also the context  in which it is being said. Consent does not begin or end with a word, rather it is something that needs to be built and carried throughout the entire experience. 

Think about a time when you really did not want to do something. Maybe it was a plan to hang out with friends, or it was someone offering you food that you did not want, or more specifically it might have been someone relentlessly asking you on a date or for a sexual favor. Especially in these cases, was the same request made to you multiple times despite initially saying “no”? Did you feel like you had no choice but to accept the request, or even make a slightly different counteroffer so you could avoid the situation or change the outcomes?

This act is described as coercion in the Merriam-Webster dictionary, and it is formally defined as the act, process, or power of compelling to an act or choice. The word to highlight in this definition is “compel.” If you have said no to something and the other person keeps making the same request until you agree, then you might have been coerced into a situation. Or, vice versa, if you have done the same to another person, you would have been coercing the person in front of you. Leading someone to feel like there is no other option besides following through with an action is what coercion looks like, and it results in an uncomfortable and stressful situation to say the least. 

If someone seems unreceptive towards sex, and you ask multiple times, or try to “loosen them up” through drinks, or try to make another request, such as oral sex instead of penetrative sex, you could be coercing them into the action. Although this may be giving you pleasure in the meantime because you eventually received sex, it could be seriously harming the other person. 

Coercing a person into consent is not the same as receiving consent. It’s important to recognize that hearing a “no” or seeing uneasiness in someone’s body language is not a cue to continue asking, it’s the cue to step back.