Appearance ≠ Consent
By Becca Clarke
This is one of seven posts in the Center’s ______ ≠ Consent Campaign.
It was a Friday night the fall semester of my freshman year. Prime party season. My roommate and I were getting dolled up to make the infamous walk down to the frat satellites we all know so well. Music was blasting on the Bose mini speaker, makeup products were strewn across the desks, and the vibe was immaculate. My roommate said she had nothing to wear, and I obviously told her to dig through my closet to find something. She pulled out a sheer lace top, one of my personal favorites, to pair with a cute bra underneath. We both complimented each other’s looks and then left the dorm.
After arriving at the frat party, one of our friends in the frat approached me. He said, “Wow, is your roommate looking to cheat on her boyfriend tonight or what?” I was confused. He said, “Obviously with the way she dressed for tonight, she’s trying to get SOMEONE interested in her.” A crushing statement. All of the fun we had just had getting ready 30 minutes before was blanketed in an instant by a cloud of shame. Had my roommate and I accidentally sent the message that we were looking to sleep with a frat brother by putting on outfits we felt cute in?
The idea that the way we look at a given time means we are more or less open to sex is an implication that most of us have faced the consequences of at some point. Reinforced by the obsession our culture has with the concept of physical modesty representing sexual purity, the idea that we can imply consent through the clothes we wear, the makeup we don, or our general looks is unfortunately rampant. We sometimes don’t even know we are doing it, but on a daily basis we assume the consent of our peers based on appearance by believing that certain appearances are more associated with either promiscuity or chastity. We may not realize we are adding to the issue, but we are causing harm by allowing appearance to implicate the likelihood of consent. Whether it’s the implication that you are going to cheat on your boyfriend because your outfit is hot, or the implication that you deserved to experience harm because of the way you presented yourself, the implication that appearance dictates sexual consent is always dangerous.
Just to be clear, appearance never… Let me repeat… NEVER… means consent. People choose to appear certain ways for many different reasons. Just because the hot guy dons a sexy outfit for his date, does NOT mean he is asking for advances from his partner. And that part may seem obvious, but it’s the little assumptions we make of others that contribute more than we know to the broader issue of consent. If you catch yourself thinking that someone is looking for sexual attention based on the way they dress, you become a stepping stone that can ultimately lead to causing harm and victim blaming. Let’s work together to change the culture and attitude towards consent, starting with ending judgement based on appearance. Do this by showing respect, no matter what someone is wearing, and keeping track of your thought process. Think before you judge, and always lead with empathy!