By Tillie Powell, Graduate Assistant

Stalking is the word to describe the activities of the Joe Goldbergs (the protagonist of Netflix’s You, whose behaviors include egregiously and maliciously intruding upon the lives of multiple individuals, often ending in their demise. And probably more, I stopped watching after the third season.) of the world, right? Well… yes, and it’s a bit more complicated than that. When I hear the word stalking, I know that my mind immediately jumps to the big and the bad, the significant behaviors that are violating and often precede even more harm. 

Yet, this perception is not quite accurate. Stalking behaviors are common and varied, and don’t often look like they’re portrayed in the media (some forms of media might even promote stalking behaviors, looking at you, rom-coms!). In fact, research describes how between 6% – 39% of college students report being stalked. On our campus alone, in 2022, 7% of undergrads reported experiencing stalking behaviors; this rate is even higher for women and trans individuals.

So, let’s dive a little deeper to undo some of the stalking misconceptions we’ve been fed so we can learn how to avoid causing harm in this way.

People who engage in stalking behaviors are unlikely to be conniving, murderous masterminds. More often than not, they are more or less “normal” people: people who have just gone through a break-up, people who have been rejected, people who desire a relationship, or even people within a relationship. Simply, most of these behaviors speak to having felt hurt in some way, whether that comes from the ache of a breakup, the sting of loneliness, or the fear of losing a partner. The intent behind engaging in stalking behaviors may not be to purposely hurt someone. Still, having strong emotional experiences like hurt is never an excuse for causing harm, and impact matters more than intent. It is each of our own responsibilities to mediate our own reactions and not, in turn, hurt others. Still, it can be helpful to know where these behaviors may stem from, because then it helps us stop them. 

What does stalking really look like? Often, stalking is described as repeated, threatening, and unwanted contact that causes fear or emotional distress. In practice, it may look like: 

• Showing up in places where you know someone will be in hopes of seeing or interacting with them.
• Leaving gifts or notes.
• Tracking someone’s location.
• Continually texting, calling, or messaging on social media.
• Following someone around in person.
• Asking someone out repeatedly after they’ve said no.
• Watching someone’s social media with the intent of monitoring them.
• Messaging someone anonymously. 
• Invading someone’s personal space and/or privacy.
• Hacking into someone’s social media account.
• Spreading rumors about someone.
• Going out of your way to change your schedule or routine to see someone.

This list is non-comprehensive and contextual. For example, you might send your partner a gift, or track a friend’s location on a night out, and that doesn’t mean that you’re stalking anyone. The key here is unwanted. How can you know if something is unwanted? 

Look for: 

• Reciprocity. Is the person you’re interested in putting in similar amounts of and types of effort? 
• Boundaries. Have they verbally or nonverbally said no or that they’re uncomfortable? 
• Secrecy. Would you be uncomfortable having someone you respect know about your behavior? 

If you’ve engaged in any behaviors that could be stalking, consider how your behaviors could be causing harm and stop. Always: 

• Respect boundaries, verbal and nonverbal. (Check out our Instagram education series for more on this!)
• Accept a no. 
• Practice coping strategies to ensure that your emotional reaction will not hurt another person.
• Consider the potential impact of your actions, regardless of intent.